Not Just A Memory

This morning I woke up thinking about Robinson and the abortion. It seems like no matter how much I’ve made peace with myself about it, this month always seems to be the hardest for me. Because it reminds me of what was and what could’ve been.

I’ve run into some complications with my cervical cancer and may not be able to have children in the future. And everyone and their mother knows that when and if I get married in the future, I want to have at least one more baby. And knowing that I may not have that in the future, is pretty devastating for me.

Yesterday, my best friend asked if I think my want to have a third child so badly in the future has to due with my abortion. And in response, I said yes. Although another baby won’t replace Robinson, it will give me the complete peace inside that I need.

I once heard the saying that women were made to nurture babies, not kill them. And I feel that if I have one more baby, I’ll be able to feel that motherly nurturing side of me once more. Don’t get me wrong, I’m nurturing to the babies that I’m blessed with. But I want that brand new ‘I’m a mother again’ nurturing feeling. How a mother is supposed to feel when she’s pregnant. Not a ‘I just killed my baby’ feeling. And although I’ve made peace with the abortion, I still feel like something is missing. That a baby is missing. My baby.

This is the second year that’s gone by since the abortion. And I feel like I’m about to embark on an emotional roller coaster like I did last year. But I know that it’ll get easier as the years go by. Right?

Robinson 12-0503 12.55pm

To my dear BabyBoy,

Its been a while since the last time I’ve written to you. But I constantly think of you.

Its been two years since your abortion and the more time passes by the more I feel at peace about it. Its taken me a very long time to get to where I am with it, but I know that you’re in a much better place.

Sometimes I dream about you. Wonder about you. Wonder what youd look like today. Wonder what my life would be like with you in it. Wonder how the lives of Andres, JMan and LoveBug would be like if you were here.

Would you look like me? Or your Papa? Would the four of you be as crazy and outgoing as the three of them are when they’re together? Would you like baseball as much as your Papa and Andres? Would you be tech savvy like JMan? Would you torture LoveBug as much as she tortures JMan?

I ask myself a lot of questions like those on a daily basis.

I love you. I want you to know that I love you. With my whole heart and being. And I wish you were here with me. But I know that someday I will see your sweet face. And all my questions will be answered.

Until then, I will constantly think of you. As I have every day since your abortion.

Te amo hijo. Te amo.

Love,
Mommy

One At A Time

It’s been a while since the last time I had written. And it’s mainly because I’ve been busy. With my new job, the babies and just life – period.

But this past weekend, I had the opportunity to share my story with a small group of individuals that are putting together a program in the bay area. It’s a program that’s designed to reach out to the youth on the topic of sex and the importance of sexual temptation, purity and integrity.

And I’m actually pretty excited about the program. I believe it’s just the sort of program that we need today, for the youth.

My little sister had gone with me to the meeting and she was pretty excited about it as well. And when we had gone home, after the meeting, I had asked our parents if they were going to attend with her. And they didn’t really have a firm answer, which was sort of disappointing. And it was disappointing because knowing that the good outweighs the bad, with this program, why wouldn’t you go?

I understand that the topic of sex is a hard one to talk about with your children… but it’s SO important that we parents teach them about it ourselves. Wouldn’t it be better that we do vs them teaching themselves?

I taught myself. And the end result was me getting pregnant and having an abortion at the age of fourteen. Which was followed by years of horrible decision making, heartaches, heartbreaks and much more that all could’ve been avoided (maybe) if I was taught about the truth about sex the right way.

And, as a parent, there’s no way in heaven and earth that I’m going to let my daughter go through the same thing that I did just because I don’t know how to address her questions about sex.

After I had shared my story with the small group of individuals, the room fell silent.

When I was asked to share my story at the meeting, I was nervous. Because it would’ve been the first time I’d be sharing my lifes story in public. And I haven’t lived the best life there is to live.

And after sharing it and after the room fell silent, I almost broke down crying. Because it felt good. I’ve told my story in bits and pieces, here and there to random people. Through giving advice, blog entries and such. But this time, it was all on the table. Maybe not in detail, but I had spilled the beans. ALL of it.

I didn’t feel embarrassed, I’m well past that stage. I didn’t feel ashamed, I am no longer ashamed of who I used to be. And I didn’t feel regret, I’ve accepted my past. But rather, I felt at peace. Because I know that my story will touch someone out there. Because I know that I’m no longer who I used to be. And because I know that my story is a story of redemption.

I’ve been asked to share my story once more at the actual event, later on this month. Only this time it will be in front of a bigger group. A group of youth, parents, teachers, facilitators, Pastors and Youth pastors.

And I couldn’t be more excited. Honored. And BLESSED to be chosen to do so. And I can’t WAIT to see the end result of this program.

All that we’ve gone through, go through and will go through are lessons learned and stories to be told so those who are traveling behind us are given leeway into the future. So that the path they travel on is a little smoother than the one we did. And so that they are exposed to their surroundings and are prepared for what may come.

But how will they know if we never share with them?

It was hard sharing my story. I cried, smiled, laughed and cried some more. But in the end, I was able to say ‘Thank You Lord, for all that You’ve done for me, are doing for me and will do for me’.

Never give up, your breakthrough may just be a day away!
-Joyce Meyers

You may be going through a lot. You may see no end to your dark tunnel. But trust me. There is hope. There is love. And there is peace. But you will only find it in one place. It’s not in anything we long for on this earth. And it’s nothing another human being can give to us. And that is in Him. And I’m praying that you do. I know it’s not easy, living one day at a time wondering what life will throw at you the next day. But TRUST ME when I say that He has a plan and place JUST for you. You just need to let go and let God. Because once you do, He will take care of it all And things will begin to fall into place. You just need to know that it takes time. It won’t happen over night, it happens as you wait it out – One day at a time.

Another Day, Another Baby

Dear Lord,

I’ve been really emo lately. And I’ve been trying to pinpoint what’s been causing it. FOR DAYS. And I have finally figured it out.

Lord you know that my babies are my world. And you also know how much I miss them when they’re with their father. And Lord, it’s just been one of those weeks where I think and miss Robinson.

And my heart is broken over my loss of him, through my abortion, all over again.

I think about him constantly, but they’re usually good thoughts. Happy thoughts. But lately, I’ve been thinking of him. And being sad over my loss of him.

And I wonder if I’ll ever not cry over him.

A baby changes everything. They definitely don’t lie when they tell you that a baby changes everything. And I have found that to be very true. Babies do change everything. Dead or alive.

Robinson changed my world. My health conditions changed. My relationship with his Papa changed. My relationship with You changed. My world changed.

And I know that you’re using my experience of aborting Robinson to touch women out there, who are in need of the healing that I was once in search of. I know that my past pain will be anothers gain.

So Lord, I ask that when I get into these emo moods. When I become sad over my loss of Robinson. When my begins to break all over again. That you REMIND me that You have a purpose and plan for me. REMIND me that Robinson changed my world for the BETTER. And REMIND me that You LOVE and CHERISH me.

Please kiss my babyboy for me Lord. I know You do daily. But please give him an extra kiss today for me.

Love,
Victoria

There Is. Just For You.

Dear Lord,

Before I lay down with my babies tonight, I want to pray for the women out there who have had an abortion.

I know that some may not think or feel anything of it or for it. But I also know that there are women out there who are suffering from it. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

And Lord I pray for restoration. I pray that you renew their minds. That you mend their hearts. And that you restore their spirits.

I come against the depression. Hurt. Anger. Pain. The feeling of being alone. The feeling of having no self worth. Lord I bind those and I come against those in Your name, Jesus.

Lord, God, You have a purpose and plan in each and every one of their lives. You declare, in Your word, that before we were formed in the womb, You knew all about us. And that You called us by name. And that You had a plan for us, appointing us. All before we were even thought of.

And Lord, God, You have also declared that our worth is far more than rubies.

Lord, I pray that You love on the women who are suffering from their past abortions. I pray that You wrap Your loving arms around them. That You shelter them with Your love. So that they may know that You are near.

Lord, God, You declared in Your word that You will never leave us nor forsake us. And Father I pray that we hold onto that and never forget that You are just a prayer away.

I thank You for what You will do in each and every one of their lives. I pray that they come to know You, if they don’t already.

I pray for blankets of peace to be placed over them. That they may know that their sins can be forgiven. That their past doesn’t have to be a stronghold in their lives. And that they know that their babies are in Your hands.

I thank You for the organizations who are imparting in the thousands of lives of women around the world who were and are in need of post-abortion care. May You bless them ten fold for their hard work and labor that they put forth for the growth of Your kingdom.

I love You Lord. For all that You have done, are doing and will do. And I pray all of this in Your name, Jesus.

Amene.

Hope After Abortion

I found this wonderful website for post-abortion support.

It’s been a while since I’ve done my research but this website is very informative and very supportive for those who have had an abortion and are suffering emotionally.

I pray for healing for those who are struggling after their loss through an abortion.

Hope After Abortion

Walk For Life 2012

Walk for the women who have had an abortion and are hurting.

I will walk for those women. Because they are women like me.

Post-Abortion Therapy – Week VIII

This blog entry is dedicated to my son – Robinson Guillermo Navarro {April 9th, 2010 – May 24th, 2010}

*

Son,

I love you. With my whole heart. JMan, LoveBug and you are my world.

This road to recovery has been a long and hard one. It had reopened a lot of doors, windows and wounds to and of my past that I had intentionally closed. But it allowed me to peel back the layers of filth, sludge and muck from the past 14 years of my life. And it had allowed me to find me again.

I find it sad that it took a loss, such as my loss of you, to realize that things needed to change. That I needed to change.

I find it sad that it took a loss, such as my loss of you, to realize my worth. And son, because of you I have realized my worth.

I live for all three of you. You are my children. And you are my life.

You may not be here with us, but I know that one day we will meet again. And that alone is worth living for. I know that you are in a much better place. I know that you are watching over us. And I know that you are alive and well.

I still think about you, constantly. I still cry about you. I still dream about you. I still want you.

I know that my actions of aborting you don’t show it or prove it to you. But my love for you does. It was one of those mistakes that I can’t undo, erase or take back. And for that, I am deeply sorry. But know that I would give anything to have you here with me.

I hope that you are proud of me. For coming as far as I have, from where I used to be. For becoming the woman that I am today. And for completing the Post-Abortion Therapy Bible Study.

Tina said that I’m the first to complete the program in her center. And it feels really good to have finally gone through it and to have finally completed it. I know that it was well overdue, the three attempts to start it before were complete failures. But this time, I did it. And I did it for me. And for you. And for JMan and Lovebug.

I love you son. With all my heart. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Thank you for watching over us. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me the importance of life. Thank you son. It’s amazing how someone so small can teach me a huge lesson. You have truly changed my life for the better.

I was reading the letters I wrote to you before and after your abortion. And I have read them once since your abortion. And when I read them, it was painful. It was like I was reliving the pain of aborting you all over again. But this time around, I read them I was able to read them with peace in my heart, mind and soul. I was able to replay my memory of those days in my mind with peace.

I am still sad about the choice your father and I made to abort you. I am still sad over my loss of you. But I have peace because I know that you are ok. Because I know that I am ok. And because I know that everything is and will be ok.

I love you son. With all my heart.

I’m beginning to connect with women who have had abortions and are in search of healing. I’m beginning to network with organizations who support post-abortion care for women like me, who have had an abortion. I’m beginning to use this for the good. Because there are others out there who are hurting just as much, if not more, as I was. Because there are others out there who are contemplating abortion just like I did. And there are those who want and need healing, just as much as I did. And I feel that I will go far with this. I truly believe that my pain will be another womans gain.

I love you son. I can’t tell you how much I love you. You are my son. And I love and live for you. And I choose to be a voice to others about you, for you.

Because I love you son.

Love,
Mommy

{I had completed my Post-Abortion Therapy on October 25th, 2011}

Post-Abortion Therapy – Week VII

This blog is dedicated to my son, Robinson Navarro. Whom I’ve aborted. Who I love. And who lives in my heart.

This blog is also dedicated to all of the women out there who have lost a baby. Who don’t see their value or worth after their loss. And who give themselves away because of it. Know that you have value. Know that you are of worth. And know that there is a God who loves you far more than any man on this earth could possibly love you.

*

Last weeks Post-Abortion Therapy session was really hard for me (hence the blog about it almost a week after it took place). It had been two weeks since the last time Tina and I had a therapy session together. We had rescheduled my appointment to a Wednesday and being that my appointments are always on a Tuesday, I had forgotten about it. And then the week after, Tina had a conference to go to that was held out of state.

I had completed the study before the two weeks was over and I had entirely forgotten what the study was about. So I quickly skimmed over the study and the writing that I had done for it before I had walked into the center for our therapy session.

And walking in, I had felt good. I had felt confident that I was going to get through this therapy session without crying. And that was NOT the case.

The study was Forgiven and Set Free and it went through the steps of how we were once slaves to sin and how we are now slaves to God. How after we’re forgiven, some of us women fight to stay free because we often get bogged down by guilt and how we don’t need to feel guilty any more. How we fight the feeling of atonement, wanting to work for our forgiveness when we’ve already been forgiven. How we can bring restitution to our lives by helping others through our abortion experience. How we need to be able to say ‘I am forgiven’ with confidence, without doubt. How we are a new creation in Christ. How our baby is in heaven. How important it is to name our baby.

But the conversation that Tina and I had was about my self worth.

I’m sure most of you know very well that I greatly struggle with my feelings for my ex. And I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to let go. Of him. I’ve let go of our past and no longer want what we had. I’ve actually been able to pick myself up off the floor and move forward. I’ve found me again and have found the happiness that I was in search of for so long. But there’s that certain part of me that holds onto him.

And it gets the best of me the majority of the time. When he texts me, I answer. Without hesitation. What he asks of me, I do. Without hesitation. There isn’t a week that goes by where I feel like I don’t have to text him just to see how he’s doing. There isn’t a month that has gone by where I felt like I didn’t have to see him just to physically be around him again.

And yes, it does suck. It sucks to give to someone and know very well that you’re not going to get anything in return.

But then again, I do it to myself.

I know very well how he feels about me and where he stands when it comes to me. And I’m sure you’re asking, ‘Well if you know that, then why do the things you do?’ And my answer to that is very simple.

Because I still love him.

Very few people know when I see him and when I talk to him. We always meet in public places, but they’re places where people can’t really see us or notice us. It’s sort of like neither of us want to be seen together by people we know. Because with that, comes the twenty questions.

But with that, also comes the false hope that I hold on to. The false hope of maybe him waking up one day and realizing that he wants me. That he needs me. That he cares for me more than he thinks. Or possibly that he still loves me.

I’m very honest and open with Tina. She is, after all, my counselor. And how else is she to help me, if I’m not open and honest with her.

After telling her about my feelings for my ex and our short meet-ups, she got concerned that I give too much to him not realizing that I’m giving myself away to someone who doesn’t deserve me. She was concerned that I’m not seeing my worth. That I am worth waiting for. That I am worth fighting for. That I am beautiful.

So this week she had tasked me with homework, writing assignments that will help me see my worth. That will help me see me for who and what I am – A woman. Of worth.

I have since then done a good portion of my homework and have come to the realization of just how happy I am. Of just how far I have come. Of how different I am since I first began my recovery therapy. And I have to admit that I had never thought I’d get to where I am now. After aborting Robinson and falling into the deep depression that I had fallen into, I never thought that I would get to where I am today. Not in a million years. And when my ex had left because of all the issues we had, I definitely didn’t think I’d get to where I am today.

But things change. People change. Circumstances change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. And I, and things, changed for the better.

It’s hard for me to not give to my ex. Not because I want strings attached to him. And not because I want to hold onto him in that way or sense. But it’s hard for me to not give to my ex because I still love him, care about and for him. And when you love and care for someone the way I do, you just can’t help yourself.

One of my best friends has told me that she doesn’t approve of it because in the end, if and when he decides that he doesn’t want me, I’m going to be the one who’s going to walk away hurt. Not him. I’m going to be the one walking away empty handed. Not him. I’m going to be the one broken-hearted. Not him.

I agree. There’s no denying that I’m pretty much putting my life on hold and laying it all on the line, chancing that the ‘one day’ that I’m waiting for may never come. But it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

I know my worth. I know I’m happy. I know how far I’ve come. I know where my life is headed and it honestly is looking good from where I’m standing. But none of that has changed the way I feel about him. And until he tells me that he doesn’t want me, I don’t feel that it ever will change.

He Has A Name

Robinson Guillermo Navarro

That’s what I’ve named my babyboy. Robinson Guillermo Navarro.

I chose Robinson because my ex and I knew a man, Robinson. And I loved Robinson. I met Robinson through my ex, they played softball together. And he was an amazing man. He was a man of integrity, of honor, of value. He was very down to earth. Very loving. Very open-minded. A man who worked hard to provide for his family. Who loved his family and gave his all for his family. He treated my ex with respect. He treated my ex as his own brother. He loved my ex as a person, aside from loving him as his teammate. And even though I don’t have contact with Robinson any more, I have much respect for him.

I chose Guillermo because my ex has a younger brother who’s name is Guillermo. And there was something about Guillermo that drew me to him. He was always quiet, very soft spoken (when he did speak to me), very kind hearted, very welcoming. He was shy and quiet at first but the longer my ex and I were together the more he opened up (not a lot, but he did). I was determined to break Guillermo out of his shell because I felt that behind his quiet persona, was a guy with a great and outgoing personality. And eventually, it started to show. He was able to take my sarcasm and jokes and dish it back as much as it was served. His side smirk was always warm and contagious.

And Navarro, because that is our last name =)

I was curious to know what each name meant so I had looked them up. And this is what I found:

Robinson
- Meaning: Son on Robert, Robert, Fame-Bright
- Region of Origin: Ulster English
- Language of Origin: Old English

Guillermo
- Meaning: William, Will, Desire+Helmet, Protection
- Region of Origin: Germanic
- Language of Origin: Old German

Navarro
- Meaning: Someone from Navarre
(Navarre is the chartered community of Navarre, a community in Northern Spain)
- Region of Origin: Spain, Italy
- Language of Origin: Spanish, Italian

I’m still very curious to know the background of my ex’s family, such as where they came from. How they came to be the Navarros. But of course him being my ex now, I’ll never know. But I’m excited to have finally named our babyboy.

I read in my Post-Abortion Therapy Bible Study, that naming your lost baby brings order to the chaos of the emotions that you feel. It gives focus for the grief and opens the floodgates for years of unexpressed grief to be released. A name restores the dignity to the broken image of the unborn.

And it has done just that. I no longer see my son as a dead baby somewhere in a trash bag. I see my son as a baby. A baby made whole. A baby who’s in heaven watching over me and his Papa.

And my sons name is Robinson Guillermo Navarro.